shut up

anger controls your words, twists them and shakes them of their clothes,
naked, they hurt.
no cushioning.
there are some conversations that you can never forget, because of these very bare naked words, stripped of their ghosts of grammer and language.
pure rage.
does it mean something.
even if you try to tel yourself it was anger, once those words are out there in the world, naked for everyone to see and mock and notice with vulgar glances, the respect can never be regained.
which is why i keep shut.
the doors sometimes lock so tight that no amount of knocking and banging can get the sound across.
the peep holes are taped.
dont think its you...
its me.
it always was.

remember

remember me for the pendulumn that i carry within me,
for the bubbles that errupt out of it
involuntary, soapy, soupy bubbles.
reflecting rainbow light.
touch them and they burst,
left alone they travel, with the wind floating
the heart still skips a beat, its scary to even try to understand why
the musty smell which used to suffocate, now is a constant companion.
air laden with moisture and salt, someday the cloud will be more full than it can hold.
and then light will travel faster than sound, sound that will scare little girls in thier beds,
sound that will bring many people closer, and take away many more from thier loved.
intricate etchings leave beautiful patterns,
leave the acid longer and the holding fabric burns away.
a perpetual itch.
nothing to soothe.
only water and love.

faith

permanence is a myth.

something that everyone likes to believe.

some say change is the the driver for life. if everythings permanent then our life will stagnate.

i beg to differ.

everything need not be permanent, but somethings if are not permanent cause discomfort and considerable distress which in turn hampers the productive working of our mind.

security is what every human being works for at the end of the day.

having these few things permanent in our lives will give us the security and the support to get on with more productive things than worrying about these things changing.

We cross so many things, so many people in our lives, we leave behind so many, and are left behind by many more with nothing but question marks.
It is difficult to point out one thing that you would ask for.

If i had a wish, i wont even have to think twice to ask for one thing. i know exactly what.

come to think of it why do i have to wait for a wish?
it is said that if you ask for something in faith you will get it..
well im holding onto my faith so tight, im sure its having difficulty breathing.

im dreaming with my eyes open, sleeping without shutting my eyelids.
i need a jug of freezing water. and some sleep
the normal kinds.

i'll try

always in the search of something as elusive and slippery as sand, we forget to live our normal lives.
that object varies from person to person.
belief in things like hope, destiny, love, faith, god, stops us from doing the real work... of living.
romanticising the mundane.
wrapping up words with layers of shimmer.
i seem to have gotten really good at it.
at pretending that there is something beter, right across the corner,
only when i get there its always the next corner.
why does desire still persist.
interpreting reality in the way you like it, sugar coating it till its so sweet , it makes you sick.
salt water leaks.
it has to drain out.
it will take years, decades... what i initiate now.
it will leave me incomplete, for the rest of my life....
For now i start dropping off pieces of me, pieces i once treasured, loved.. that have come to be part of me as easily as salt in water, with just a little bit of stirring.
its difficult to remove the salt once its mixed.
i'll try.
pieces of me that do nothing but burn, and hurt.

my buddy

i assume it is the perfect day when i get up every morning...
somtimes my assumtions are true.. keeping my faith in the goodness in the skies...
and more than sometimes they dont.. i mope, i curse, swear on the one in those very skies.. never to have faith.
and yet everyday.. i assume.
i assume becuase i have no other choice.
because most of me lives in the skies.. right next door to the one who makes all the decisions.
we used to be best buddies.. sometime along the way.. he got busy with his other creations...
and i got busy doing he only knows wot...
and gradually, we lost touch.
to a point where we even started doubting each others existence in our lives...
i had moved out.. moved on... to a better place, with more friendly neighbours....
unpacking my luggage, i found an old leather album,
mould green, putrid smeeling, vomit colored memories.
i put it out in the sun..
for all the moisture and seepages to evaporate...
early morning...
the album, i remembered... had some very old forgotten emotions packed, framed inside.. laminated.. blocked....
more dust flew off with every movement of the cloth,
filling it with more memories than one person can have in a lifetime... collected over the years....
there in all the pictures, was my buddy, my best friend
who i didnt even remember the surname of.
my senses came slapping like cold chilling wind.
and i ran...
to my old place, my house, my neighbour next door. the one who still made all my decions, without me realising it.. from up in those skies... right where i left him...
i opened his door...
he was sitting cross legged like a baby.. right on the other side of the door...
waiting, growing old... waiting..
for me,
to return. to let go.

my other neighbours.. still write ... asking me to return...

let me

my days pass in a blur.
unfocused foggy.
too fast or too slow?
its hard to make out..
every moment seems like an eternity..
yet at the end of the day it seems like a mere moment.
unproductive nights and even more lethargic mornings....
time like a termite gnawing at my insides...
eating away..
infested ..
shake me,
take away my earth,
my ground.
let me fall face down..
let my nose bleed...
bleed till the floor is red.
dont touch me..
dont pick me up.
let me come to my senses,
wipe my blood,
on my own
and start a fresh
heal.....

my bag

Heaving a bag of memories,
i walk on...
Someone opens my bag... and they fly..
If i knew, i'd jump, run, catch them
and stuff them back in my bag.
Shut it tight, where they belong, they must stay..

to the person who is reading my blog right now

sometimes it becomes really hard tell a close friend what you feel..
maybe because of something they said or something you did...
distance sets in. leaving behind all the moments you have shared.
unknowingly, without warning, it slides in and before you realise it starts building a comfortable spot for itself.. growing, expanding...
and nothing ever can reverse the procees..
it leaves holes ... big massive voids... wherever it moves...
vaccum expanding.
defying gravity
leaving footprints on the past.
caked mud.

chaddar

as a child each and every one of us have a favourite chaddar that we have to have to have with us when our mommies tuck us in bed.
its our constant companion ( in some cases there might be a stuff toy in instead)
when we sleep, when we get up, and if in case its not there how much we make a fuss over wrong timings for laundry...
bestest buddy.. specially when we need to bury our faces in it and sob and sob and sob our lungs out, complaining about how unfair life is.....

we sob into its shoulders, tell it our life stories..... and then... leave it on our bed and go to our daily routine... leaving it unfolded to come back to in the night.

as we grow up, this chaddar gets relaced by other things, computers, another chaddar,
and sometimes other people.

these people are left unfolded behind, wanting, wasted.
without realising that you are also someones chaddar too.. equally wanting and wasted..
slightly wet from their lives, stories seeping secretly in our folds ...

unfolded unkempt creases.

thursday morning

dreaming a dream for one whole night can be quite exhausting.. especially when its not to your liking..
its so much better when the dream is unrealistically scary...
cause its scarier when its so possible that you cant get over the vividness of it.
you dont want to get up because you want to see what happens next.. but you dont wanna sleep more cause your not particulary likong whats happening...
you know what i mean by exhausting now...

so strange how a dream can make you come back to reality. and stop dreaming...

and its so comforting to have the luxury of being able to go next door and find a sleepy friend ready to hug you and console you even though all she can think of is sleep.
and in the warm sleepy embrace you finally find the comfort to let your tears flow...

learning to say no is the most difficult lesson of ones life
especially if you have to say it to someone you love...
you just let yourself go along with everythign
giving the person your benefit of doubt.
without realising that bit by bit you are loosing your worth in your own eyes.
it may feel comfortable to say yes... to assume that everything is just as you want it to be...
but in reality you have to learn to say no in order to retain your dignity.
because without dignity... you are nothing but an animal...

Remember.... by Christina Rossetti

Remember me when I am gone away,
Gone far away into the silent land;
When you can no more hold me by the hand,
Nor I half turn to go, yet turning stay.
Remember me when no more day by day
You tell me of our future that you plann'd:
Only remember me; you understand
It will be late to counsel then or pray.
Yet if you should forget me for a while
And afterwards remember, do not grieve:
For if the darkness and corruption leave
A vestige of the thoughts that once I had,
Better by far you should forget and smile
Than that you should remember and be sad.

geoffrey

once upon a time, ther was a tiny kitten, discovered by a bunch of kids...
and named geofrrey,
it soon became a dear friend.
one of the little girls, felt specially close it.
she had never liked cats before.. innfact despised them....
but there was something inthe eyes of this little one, which drew her to it...
and they made friends..
she would tell the kitten about her life, every otherday
and the kitten inturn would come and comfort her by lickign her , curling up with love in her cozy lap...
both of them felt bliss at that momet.. peace.
but the little girl went on her summer vacations with her parents.. and when she returned.. geofrrey wasnt so little anymore...
she wouldnt even come to her...
or show any signs of recognition... she wouldnt see it for days together.
geffrey had grown up.. or rather rown apart.. forgotten all the loving moments, and stories they had shared. the time they had grown together...
and the litlle girl kept thinking it would recognise her
one day the little girl went to geofrrey and finaly it seemed to recognise her.. she was so happy.. it was trying to get in her lap. but suddenly it started clawing her.. poor girl bled.. and was hurt.
she didnt know wot to do.
didnt know what had gotten into geoffrey.
all she knew that she felt sad.
she had lost a friend.

love someone and you get scratched.

thank you

in te last few years, i have compensated for the tears of the earlier 18 years of my life.
and the the rest of mine too, hopefully.
a friend recently asked me what stopped it.
well heres the answer..
the pursuit of happiness.
when you reach a point when you want to be happy as much as you want oxygen thats when you dont even have to try.
automatically you train you mind to seek happiness, to turn every small moment of pleasue into lasting happiness.
happiness in is the small mercies of life.
the big ones come later.

it all started with the same friend telling me something onc that i will never forget...
it was about a year ago..
when i asked her why does happiness keep evading me, why do i not get what i want
and she said...
sana, we are like chess pieces being moved by someone above....
someimes we can see that if the person above just moves us one square we could kill the other persons pawn... and he isnt moving us.. and we keep wondering why, we curse him, we shout at him, but to no avail...
we can just see that one move and the glory and happiness it would give us
what we dont see
is what he does,
if he moves us that one sqare, there is another pawn who would kill us, and then chek mate..
so sometimes when you want things real bad and they are not happening,
keep patience... there is a reason...
and i swear i couldnt have put it better.
all i want to say to this person is thanks...
and i wish i could help her...
i will be there, just like she was...

fighting a lost battle

at what point trying to achieve something do you realise you have lost the battle...
do you keep going on hoping that some miracle will happen, when you know in your heart it probably wont, keep your self happy on that slight sparkle of hope.. or stop and turn back never daring to move ahead and see maybe there is another way, call yourself a loser and tell yourself to deal with it.
fighting a lost battle is not easy.
i dont knw if its foolhardiness, or optimism.
whatever it is i prefer hoping
i knw it finally slaps hard when that tiny sparkle of hope also goes.. but atleast you have that much more time for happiness .. the pursuit of it...
and who knows maybe there is another way waiting for you along the road.

just keep going.

i must

"I must write it all out, at any cost. Writing is thinking. It is more than living, for it is being conscious of living."
Ann Morrow Lindbergh quotes

10

viscosity

A strange thought crossed my head.
Viscosity
perfect word to describe this state.
Imaginary bubbles of air and water… relief.
Back to charcoal black thick viscous.
Dense and swift.
A fall and a suspension.
An embrace is what it needs
A warm simmer… to set the charcoal flowing.
A chance is all that is requested.
And never granted.
Is it so hard.
Or is it not my destiny.
Is there a destiny?
Days of the week all jumbled up… boiling hot…
Time burns.
blisters from the past..

A 100 degrees.